What really matters to you? Are your days spent doing those things that really matter to you? Are you where you want to be in your life? Is your life organized around your values? Are you able to fulfill commitments you’ve made to others–and yourself?
This glorious day began with a trip to the lab for routine annual tests–for me! After I returned, Spouse left for errands and I coaxed Mom into the day and a late-morning breakfast. My usual routine during Mom’s meals is to be available should she have a problem. I might use Mom’s mealtime to tidy up or read the paper, any activity that puts me within earshot. I was reading today when she called for me in panic, choking. After a short while, she recovered and, after a change of clothes, all was back to normal. Until Spouse returned to rest, taking up his perch outside her room, I hovered nearby–just in case. Hovering gave me a chance to read the Harvard Business Review blog I’d saved to Pocket. This piece argues for and explains becoming Essentialist in our lives.
Get more of what matters in our one precious life. –Greg McKeown, “Why we humblebrag about being busy” blogs.hbr.org June 6
What is essential for our well-being and happiness? Caregiving seems so obviously worthwhile that you’d think caregivers could avoid life’s big questions. Yet, the caregiving life forces examination of one’s priorities, values, and commitments. Confronted on ordinary days by vulnerability and mortality, I’ve found it impossible not to ponder life choices to perhaps an extraordinary degree. For example, having made the choice to care, I’ve relinquished much of my former life. Does that matter?
My priorities, in daily life, had prominently included reading and music. There was always a book-in-progress on my nightstand. These days, I watch recorded programs (commercials-be-gone!) with Mom as our “quality time” together in the evenings. My chores had always been set to background tunes. These days, the house is mostly quiet while I monitor the status of its residents (Mom and Spouse).
My values had been focused on the people with whom I’d bonded, the places I’d explored, and the things I’d chosen to study–like history and pedagogy. These days, I’m geographically isolated from friends-of-long-standing. I’m physically bound to the home in which I provide care. I’ve needed to study aging, healthcare, insurance, as well as the financial, legal, and social implications of dependence.
My commitments had been organized around formal education and career, as well as travel and the the give-and-take of family and friends. These days, commitments have narrowed to the well-being of Spouse and Mom, yet expanded with their evolving needs.
Now that I’m adjusting to this new life, I’m trying to figure out what parts of my former life could–and should–be recovered. I’m on track toward regaining a healthy level of fitness. I even had a mini-epiphany while working out these past few weeks. If Spouse agrees to keep an ear open for Mom and the phone, I can use earbuds, listen to my tunes, and revel in musical workouts. I can read while monitoring Mom’s breakfast or lunch and listen to podcasts as I drift to sleep at night. I’m going to try setting aside X amount of time each day to email friends or perhaps commit to sending at least one message a day. Spouse and I can continue to use respite time to explore. We’ve been consistently amazed at how much we’ve discovered about an area I thought I knew well. Given the historical nature of this area, it’s not hard to pursue that old interest at the same time.
Spouse and Mom matter to me. Spending my days contributing to their well-being matters to me. I’ve been around some and don’t mind staying home these days. I can continue reorganizing my new life to regain some of what I miss from my old life. I can commit to taking care of myself.
revisiting history
Cape Cod caregiver 
Lorraine, please take care of yourself. I worry about you. I hope to get to the Cape sometime this year and will surely come to see you.
I think I’m doing a better job of self-care lately. Seeing you would be super–Sue! Thank you for reading & responding to CCc. I often recall your own eldercare story.
Caregiving is such an all consuming proposition . You are doing a fantastic job!! Love your blogs. Joan RC GREAT POST JOAN
Joan, thank you for reading & responding to CCc. Your support and positive feedback mean a lot–you know what it’s all about! I love feeling connected to a super-caregiver on another cape.
I don’t know where to begin, but I feel a need to respond to this post. You almost took my breath away as I recently have many of these same feelings, thoughts, and challenges. My retirement from the preschool and the feelings associated with it snuck up on me and hit me like a brick. It is like losing part of your identity for which you morn. I will eventually be taking care of my grandchild who will be arriving home through adoption, but even this happy event is not enough to quell this uneasiness and unrest that I now experience. You ask relevant questions and the answers don’t come easy. Thanks for this post all about you! Between regaining your fitness and recognizing personal needs, you are on the right track to inner peace. P.S. – Your respites must be so joyful! Revel in them!