I’d have taken better care of myself. But: I’ve granted myself one indulgence over the years since Dad died. During these years of caregiving for Mom, I’ve allowed myself to eat whenever and pretty-darn-near whatever I wanted. I’m not an emotional eater. Instead, I often experience hunger as a kind of overall diminishment: weakness, sadness or irritability, inability to concentrate. As the various challenges of caregiving-while-grieving evolved, including challenging family dynamics and managing Mom’s affairs, I often found myself in states of enervation. Rest and recreation haven’t been possible. Dark chocolate, sharp cheese, and even the occasional wee dram have been. Actually, the drams were eliminated early on, when I fully realized that I needed to be on-call 24/7 in case of emergency.
SOURCE OF STRENGTH OR WEAKNESS?
Food has been a form of self-medication. Meals, snacks, or treats became my source of strength to do what needed to be done. Since much of what needed to be done was physical: caring, cleaning, cooking, laundry, processing Mom-&-Dad’s stuff… I rarely exercised and often excused myself from doing so. Yet: readers of this blog and others who keep in touch remind me to take care of myself–often as a result of their own hard-earned experiences. Our experiences here at home over quite an expanse of time, with Mom’s chronic and Spouse’s acute conditions, make plain the need for me to take care of myself. What are the chances that I can continue caring for others, if I’m not well? (Beyond that, we three have realized that we need to be organized for someone to step in, should something happen to me. But, first things first and one thing at a time.)
WHY NOT DO THE RIGHT THING?
As summer approaches and I look down the barrel of the big 6-0, I resolve to whip myself back into shape. There’s an app for that. Actually, over the years, I’ve downloaded several apps that have to do with diet, exercise, and motivation for staying healthy. The records one is encouraged to keep on those apps even yielded a happy surprise. I lost about 12 pounds since last June, without consistent effort. With a bit more control over eating and some habitual exercise, I should be able to make more progress. We live on a hike-&-bike path and have a treadmill, recumbent cycle, and rowing machine in our basement. With Spouse on hand to cover for me, I can work out and still be available to Mom within minutes. So, there’s really no rational reason for me not to get moving.
WHY BOTHER?
I’ve completed week one of this new program of self-care. I’ve lost the recommended two or so pounds. That pace of weight loss should get me to my goal in time for my birthday. Spouse and I are folding walks into our twice-weekly respite jaunts. If past experience is any guide, I’ll need to work out for almost an hour daily to both continue losing weight and achieve the level of fitness that would allow me to both feel healthy and increase my chances of staying healthy. For me, the real test will be if I can maintain that daily commitment–even if there’s another caregiving emergency.
Nearly 22 million people over the age of 15 went to the hospital for a bathroom injury in 2008, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Falls accounted for more than 80% of the injuries. –Karen Schwartz, “Safe and stylish: Grab bars showing up in the best decor” (Associated Press)
As I recommit to taking care of myself, I know it’s something I’m doing for myself. However, I’m now so thoroughly committed and habituated to the caregiving lifestyle, that I must also acknowledge: I need to stay healthy in order to be of use. Beyond caregiving, though, is the notion that I want to be as healthy as possible to enjoy my life as much as possible. However much we give to others, we still have just one life to call our own. And, when it’s my turn to need care… the less I weigh, the easier it will be to pick me up when I fall.
Cape Cod caregiver 